Written Saturday, October 1st!! :)

So here I am the day after my would-be chemo treatment… it’s day 22 post drip, the day I have not had the pleasure of experiencing since I started chemo in June!  Each day now I get to look forward to feeling better than the day before, and better than I have since before my surgery in April!!  I’m not sure I even have words to express how amazing that realization is!  I’m downright giddy! Lookout world!!

Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there was some anxiety mixed in with my happiness - there's something a little scary about being done with chemo; the thought of not going in and actively killing any possible lurking cells every three weeks... there is a bit of a feeling of walking away with my fingers crossed and a great need to trust – my body, the doctors, statistics, the universe.  Not to mention not having chemo in front of me to be preparing for and actively thinking about has meant I’ve had time to sort of sit back and look at the big picture again: I’m fighting breast cancer. It was invasive and aggressive and inside me.  It’s scary business. 

I’m feeling strong and positive though!  Indeed physically stronger than I have in months, and I’m doing my work emotionally and spiritually as well.  Trust is huge, continuing to feel the unending and awe-inspiring love and support of others is huge, slowly navigating my re-entrance into “real life” is huge… I feel a bit like I’ve been living in a cave or on another planet for the last 6 months, so everything’s just a bit foreign seeming. 

Radiation starts next week… I’m a bit nervous even though everyone assures me it’s nothing compared to chemo.  The word on the street is that it might wipe me out, this effect is cumulative, but being young and active should make it easier in general.  We’ll see.

Our big non cancer treatment news is that we’ve acquired a goldendoodle “puppy”!:)  Griffin is 18 months old, well trained by his previous owner, rather large but super cute, and gets us out walking and laughing and throwing the ball for hours a day… he’s full of love and is great at bringing happy energy to his surroundings!:)

Peace and love...

Chemo Number Six: The Final Round... all great things must come to an end;) [and somehow I've managed to keep my sense of humor through it all!?... well, most of it:)]

Hello all! A quick update as I head to bed on the night before my last chemo treatment.  Woohoo!! :) There were many times along this path that I didn't think this day would ever get here - I am happy that it is upon me, though still dreading the few cruddy days to follow, and honestly a little scared as it feels like now we just walk away keeping our fingers crossed that it worked!?  But a week from today I'll be celebrating the true end of the chemo train, hopefully having been 'spat out ' for the last time and feeling confident!:)  Round five was more tolerable than rounds three and four which I'm attributing to the fact that we dropped to 80% of the initial dose.  (A statistically sound decrease as I'm still completing six rounds averaging more than 85% of the suggested dose, thus satisfying both me and my oncologist)  I'm assuming we'll do this again tomorrow, so I'm hopeful that this one won't be too awful! Strength, perseverance, and a couple more weeks of more medication daily than I've probably taken in the first 38 years of my life combined, and it will be behind me... whew!!:)

Life has been busy these last couple weeks with school years and dance season starting; a nice distraction and a source of fatigue both.  We have made it to the lake a couple times though, where nature and the ability to just relax have replenished some energy stores:) I will only be teaching part time for the first couple months this year, allowing me to balance 'real life' and getting the rest I need as I focus on recovery from chemo and then radiation treatments (not to mention surgery and the ongoing stress that comes with the diagnosis of breast cancer).  This was one of the more difficult decisions I've had to make, and really brought to light just how life changing this has all been... but I know it is what I need to do right now and in the end will allow me to gain that energy back that I so sorely miss.  Isis, on the other hand, is a full time middle schooler (crazy!) and dancer extraordinaire, busier than ever.  Maybe I'll see if I can squeeze a nap in for her on occasion;)

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for the vast amount of love and support that is all around me - from endless prayers and thoughts of positive energy and healing, to amazing home cooked meals, to errands being run, to help with yard work and cleaning, to wonderful visits from far away, to cards and messages and gifts, to incredibly generous financial support, to amazing hugs, conversations and words of support, to people walking and running and 'tri-ing' to raise money for breast cancer research, to the many offers that I've not even been able to take people up on... and I'm guessing that can't possibly cover everything.  And of course infinite love and gratitude to Mom and Papa for taking care of us every step of the way on so many levels.  We will get through this!! xoxo
I humbly thank each of you with every ounce of my being... peace and love and health and happiness.

Preparing for chemo number five... the light at the end of the tunnel?

Wow, I have been quite slack in my updating of late... in fact it is not because I've fallen off the face of the earth (thankfully), but partly because this chemo business is starting to wear me down:( and partly because (on a more positive note) I've been distracted by dear friends and family coming to visit (from CO, FL, and the like!) with a few social events and some peaceful time at the lake thrown in between:) --- not to mention I'm having a terrible time multi-tasking of late (or even focusing on more than one thing a day it seems... ) which I'm blaming on the aptly named phenomenon "chemo brain".  This is something one reads about and thinks "pshaw... ", however when you begin to experience it for yourself you realize it's in fact no joke... at times it can be entertaining or a bit humorous, but when you actually want to be able to think through something with some sort of continuity, complete a task that requires a decent amount of thought, do more than one thing at a time, or sometimes even just function properly or remember what you are saying, it can be incredibly frustrating.  Just yesterday I found myself driving up the one way street at the end of my block... we've lived here for 6 years!?

Wait, what was I talking about? ;) kidding...

Whirlwind update:
Chemo number three was as expected... 4 days of feeling awful followed by 3 days of slowly entering the world again.  I am starting to feel some of the cumulative affects I think - more fatigue, longer recovery time after exercise... and unfortunately being half way done did not bring with it the excitement and elation I was hoping for, so that was a bit of a let down:(
Chemo number four brought with it a tougher time all around... more than the 4-5 days of expected grossness, harsher side effects, and I've felt pretty wiped out for the entire 3 weeks.  2/3 unfortunately did not end up being a much happier fraction than 1/2...
And now, ready or not, here I go in for number 5!
I am in a better space than I've been in for a while though (another reason I've probably avoided writing as it just doesn't appeal to share one's feelings with the masses when they are rather on the dark side).  I met with my oncologist last Friday and we discussed some of my trepidation... he would like to see me complete all 6 rounds, but feels decreasing the dose a bit may help with side effects without losing efficacy.  Decreasing the dose will also allow me to forgo the Neulasta shot, which may well remove a side effect or two.  This will require closer monitoring of blood counts, along with a higher level of avoidance of all germs (may not be fun)... but I am hoping it will give me a bit of respite from some of the less manageable discomfort.
So... as I head into round 5 my mantras revolve around trusting, nurturing and supporting my body, mind and spirit as much as I possibly can - while allowing the chemo to get in there and abolish any cancerous cells that may still be lurking.  Please send peaceful thoughts of healing light and energy moving through my body, my veins, my bones, my organs - and clearing them of toxic cells as I embark on these last two treatments!
...with so much love and gratitude to all <3
peace...
Jamie

I'm... too sexy for my hair

...too sexy for the catwalk

...too sexy for my hair, it's not fair.

Have you heard? All the cool people are wearing head scarves these days... even toddlers! and pets! :)
(my cool dad taking the picture was even sporting one... )

In fact, it's not nearly as bad being bald as I had anticipated... would I happily take my hair back in 3 seconds flat? Yes.  Do I hope my red curls come back en force when this is all over? Yes. But I will fully admit that it is WAY easier and less time consuming to not have to deal with hair.  I have not fully embraced the bare bald headed look... perhaps because I still have a thin smattering left - it's sort of the baby chick, or sprouty look (not to be confused with the sporty look... )  Not the most attractive... though we were all laughing heartily the other night as we envisioned me walking into hair salons asking what they might be able to do with what's left... some wispy bangs perhaps? or a stack in the back?  You have to admit it would make for some hilarious candid camera:) I also still on occasion as we head out of the house think "I should grab a hair band in case I want to put my hair up later... oh, wait, nevermind.", all too quickly realizing my folly and laughing at myself as I straighten my scarf.  It could be worse.

So chemo number two was two weeks ago (meaning only one week to go until the next one, ugh).
We had cousins from Florida visiting for this round, so my company in the 'chemo lounge' was made up of Papa, Sarah, and Natalie:) Aside from the pink rhinestone embellished cowbell, it was thankfully an uneventful few hours... and we rushed straight from Oncology to Isis' 5th grade graduation ceremony!:) Isis looked beautiful, and one of her sweet friends had made little pink ribbons for those in her class who knew about my cancer to wear during the festivities - it never ceases to amaze me how much love, support, and thoughtfulness surrounds us!  So my little girl is officially heading into middle school, eek... thank goodness this cancer business will be behind me as we head into the upcoming mayhem of pre-teen and teen-dom!!
My side effects were not as intense after chemo number two, but it all dragged out a bit longer this time.  The first few days were the worst, the whole first week was rough, and then I started emerging as a functional human being last weekend and actually felt pretty darn good this last week!  I am on a new drug (neulasta) for blood cell production, which definitely contributed to the 'fun' as it causes bone, joint, and muscle pain while stimulating your bone marrow to pump out those needed cells...  I suppose a decent trade for normal counts and no surprise infections.
So this week has felt almost normal!? :) Isis has been at a Musical Theatre day camp all week singing, dancing, acting, and making friends; I made it to both of my tai chi classes, met friends for lunch a couple days, and ran a few errands; summer dance started at Drouin and I taught Mon, Tues, and Wed evenings- enjoying every second of it:)... I am most certainly not at my optimal energy level (i.e. I tire pretty easily, need to rest during the day more than I'd like to, and probably am not talking as quickly;) ) - but compared to last week, I'll take it!
We are heading up to the camp for the long weekend with Mom, Papa, Garth, Liz and Oscar:)  Hoping to soak in some good nature therapy, laugh as much as possible, and relax... <3
Sunshine and joy filled days to all!!
peace....

Snip, snip, snip:) ...and all about white blood cells - ugh.

With my big hair out of the picture, my other prominent feature gets to be in the limelight... look out, Streisand;)

...my hair is mostly gone as I post, but the pixie cut my friend (and artist extradinaire!) Cathy gave me was super cute and I look forward to rockin' it again come spring hopefully! :)

Wow… it has been less than two weeks since I posted anything but it’s been choc full of eventfulness – this chemo business wipes you out, keeps you guessing, and is bigger and badder (for lack of better words) than I ever imagined.

Got my hair cut as planned June 3rd (a transition cut, so I didn't have to watch my red curls coming out of my head - also a chance to see what I'll look like with short hair when it starts growing back:)  )… the same day my white blood cell counts came back low, low, low.  As white blood cells are your defense against any sort of germ or bacteria that tries to attack, when you don’t have any your chances for getting sick are crazy high – so high that they advised me to “slow down and lay low”, wash my hands constantly, to not eat raw fruits or veggies as they can harbor bacteria… and the list goes on.

My version of slowing down and laying low was apparently not quite what they had in mind (imagine that), so by Tuesday I had picked up an undesirable guest of sorts that attacked my nonexistent immune system and, much to my dismay, quickly showed me who was boss… fever, antibiotics, stress, and ‘house arrest’ ensued… really not my idea of fun as I had been feeling SO much better up until that point and had a busy week/weekend of dance rehearsals and recital on the horizon… alas. 

After a couple rough days of not feeling so tough or strong or positive (I’m pretty sure there is a direct correlation between low white blood cells and feelings of doom, despair, and patheticness), I began to feel better and emerged having learned yet another lesson (silver lining?). You can not just push through and persevere when you have no white blood cells.  It doesn’t matter how robust your immune system was two weeks ago, how many medical abstracts and doctor's reports and online forums you've read to learn all about it, how careful you tell yourself you are being, or how important you think all those things you need to do are; when the counts drop you are just plain vulnerable, and no amount of positive thinking or toughing it out changes that.  This is a difficult one to assimilate (understatement) – in most facets of life (academics, athletics, learning something new...) if you work a little harder, push yourself, you can improve and prevail…”mind over matter”, right?... getting through chemo is therefore completely counterintuitive; you have to do less, at times virtually nothing, in order to get through it!? And you definitely cannot think or study your way out of the side effects (other than maybe being down in the dumps)... argh!

So, yes, the plan is to lay lower… though anyone who knows me even remotely realizes that this will neither be an easy feat nor foster good moods.  Sigh.  Thank goodness for family, friends, humor, music, and chocolate among the many other things getting me through this...

...a few words of inspiration keeping me going this week, from Brett Dennen…
"Sometimes my troubles get so thick
I can’t see how I’m gonna get through it
But then I would rather be – stuck up in a tree…
Than be tied to it."
 ~from There Is So Much More – beautiful song, look it up!

More soon… just wanted to post and get a few haircut photos up… it’s fleeing the scalp quickly and I’m well on my way to baldness… whew, every day is an adventure!

peace, love, gratitude, deep breaths ,and great joy to all! :)
xoxo

Thank you, sweet universe, for I have been spat out!!

Heading in... chemo number one!

It's not a pretty analogy, but unfortunately it is all too true.  The monster that is chemotherapy gnarled, chewed and ground its teeth into me for a good solid three days (growing longer and sharper varieties along the way just to mix things up)... thank goodness spitting me out yesterday to regroup and attempt to gather my wits.
The actual chemo on Friday wasn't so bad... accompanied by my mom and my dear friend Ginny I headed into oncology chin up and ready to face this head on.  Aside from the needles and a few 'reality tears' that leaked out as they started the drip, the three of us did quite a bit of laughing, gabbing, and eating of a delicious lunch that mom whipped up with love mid day.  The treatment room itself is an incredibly positive place all things considered (good, considering we were there for over four hours), and everything went smoothly... (i.e. I didn't have to ring the cowbell (not kidding! I'll take a picture next time.) labeled 'for emergencies only' on the table next to my chair).

[Quick chemo explanation in case you are unfamiliar (which I hope with all of my heart you are and always will be!!)... it is a systemic approach to killing cancer cells, so drugs (taxotere and cytoxan in my case) are administered through an IV directly into the bloodstream to assure that they have access to your entire being.  The chemo thus proceeds to attack rapidly dividing cells that it encounters - cells which include the aggressive cancer we want out (yay!), as well as hair, nails, skin, and the entire digestive tract from the mouth all the way through (not so fun...)]

So, Friday night I was wiped out but felt ok, and was still hopeful I'd escape round one with minimal side effects... Saturday, however, the carnival began and it was all sorts of crazy through Monday night... Tuesday a bit of relief and 'normalcy' (dare I use that word?), and here it is Wednesday - actually felt hungry when I woke up this morning, went to a qi gong group earlier today, ate a couple 'normal' meals (there's that word again;) ) and went to dance class tonight!:)
My blood counts should in theory go down in these next couple days, but I've got acupuncture, qi gong, a and determination on my side... trying to eat well and nourish too - many many thanks to those who have provided wonderful and tasty meals these past few days:) <3
in love and endless gratitude...
xoxo
Jamie
p.s.
Friday's the big day... hair cut party, good bye red curls:(
Bald is the new blonde, right?

Positive Energy Abounds!! :)

Keep it coming!:)  Chemo starts Friday and I'll be heading in every three weeks for six rounds... May 27, June 17, July 8 and 29 (bonus month!), August 19, and Sept 9.  I'm not excited about it, but I'm ready.  Yes, nervous with a touch of dread... but ready.

This week has been full of positive energy thus far, which I'm taking as a good omen:) The weekend included a delicious barbeque at some friends' house and McAuley's graduation ceremony (woohoo!); Isis' middle school (yeeks!) parent orientation was Monday night and I think it's going to be a smooth transition and a great year for her; yesterday afternoon I taught one of my favorite little dance classes (my 2nd week back!) at Drouin and then ventured out last night for a night of great live music and great people; today (in the ever elusive sun that decided to grace us with its presence:) yay!) I took a most wonderful soul-nourishing walk in the woods (nothing like a good dose of Mother Nature to lift your spirits! trees, moss, earth, the river, bird songs... joy:) ), and tonight went to my first dance class since before surgery (pointe no less) and felt strong and enjoyed every minute!:)  In essence I guess I feel like I am, albeit slowly and with great thought, caution, and awareness, reclaiming my life - which I've missed!!  Now if only I could get all those recently graduated McAuley seniors to come back to make up the couple weeks of physics I was out for... ;)

So I'm holding on to this positive trend with all of my might!... tomorrow I intend to balance productivity (oh, the never ending list... ) with much cultivation of strength, a bit of fun, and some hearty nurturing -- and I will walk into the oncologist's office Friday morning a warrior - in mind, body and spirit - prepared to gracefully begin the next phase of ushering this uninvited guest out of my body for good.

peace, love and gratitude...

Oncotype DX results came back high:(

... email sent Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hello...
So the oncotype dx results are officially in, and unfortunately my 'risk for recurrence' is decidedly in the high range. My treatment will therefore include six rounds of chemo (to begin next week), and then radiation in the fall. Won’t make for a great “What I did over summer vacation” essay, but will hopefully make for a great 80^th birthday party, right?

I got the news Friday afternoon and have shed many a tear in the last few days while my emotions have run the gamut. Chemo is proving to be a veritable mountain as I struggle to accept it and mentally prepare; much more so than surgery was. I’m not sure if this is because I am attempting to prepare for 18 weeks of poisoning my body, the ensuing side effects, and going bald as opposed to a single morning of surgery through which I was able to ‘sleep’ and then a mostly physical recovery… or perhaps I just used up most of my “be brave, stay positive, march forward!” energy reserves getting through step one, and need to cultivate more for steps two and three. (I’m working on it! It would be much easier if it would stop raining so the sun could come out again… )

Regardless, chemo will be neither easy nor fun... but it will seek and destroy, eradicating my body of rogue cancer cells that (mistakenly) think they escaped their doom by fleeing the right breast before surgery… I’ll get through it and it will be but a distant bad memory… and I guess I’ll become a hat person for a while. fyi - no one is allowed to complain to me about having a "bad hair day" again!

That’s the news for now… peace and love to all!

xo

Jamie

Update post surgery...

(As part of my celebration of and goodbye to my breasts and lymph nodes prior to surgery, a friend who is an amazing henna artist graciously 'tattooed' me... bringing peace, strength and beauty to a difficult letting go <3
thank you, Mary... )




...email sent Friday, May 6, 2011

Greetings from Maine , post surgery and in the midst of figuring out what comes next…

I think most everyone on this list received an email from my mom last week with a brief update regarding the initial pathology report – you can be certain an email from me at that point would have been barely readable… though perhaps entertaining:) Those of you near enough to visit who had the pleasure of spending time with me while I was “under the influence” of oxy-narcotics know all too well what I’m talking about. (btw, I can’t guarantee I remember all of those visits, so if you meant to come and didn’t feel free to claim you did and make up a good story to go along… )

Surgery went very well! – I feel like I went in early Monday morning calm, full of trust, and as ready as I could have been. One nurse noted my calmness and sense of humor with surprise, stating that if she were about to go into surgery she’d be “crying and freaking out” (not sure that’s textbook nursing, but at least she felt comfortable enough to share how she really felt… ). Just before heading in my breast surgeon’s nurse, who is trained in therapeutic touch, did a bit of energy work on me and said I felt completely strong and balanced – much more reassuring:)

The morning was also full of visits from surgeons, the anesthesiologist and a number of nurses… a great team all around!

The last few things I remember: injection… we are rolling down the hallway to the OR, on my right is a lovely picture of a dock heading out onto the ocean or a lake… looks beautiful; on my left the hallway turns – as we began turning left I ask “Wait, can’t we go that way?” pointing to the picture… through some big doors and the lights are crazy bright, there are what seem to be tons of people in scrubs and paper hats, big metal arms overhead, my anesthesiologist in his goofy purple hat, and…

“Jamie, Jamie…” – 3 ½ hours later, all done, and “awake” in the recovery room!

I can’t say I remember much of the rest of Monday, but I ate a giant bowl of tasty oatmeal, hung out with Mom, Papa, and Isis, experienced morphine for the first time, and thus recovery began.

I won’t bore you with details between then and Friday, they’re a bit fuzzy anyway.

Friday we got the path report – good news and bad news, but we’ll focus on the good… no lymph node involvement! Yay! As my mom wrote there were some whammies too though… aggressive strain, and evidence of cancerous cells traveling in my blood stream within the breast (meaning they have access to all the places blood flows… ick), and not so great margins (i.e. she couldn’t scoop much out around the cancer due to my being “a skinny broad”, leaving a heightened chance of cancer cells being left in the bits of breast tissue that are inevitably left behind along the chest wall (pectoral muscle) and under the skin). More good news, on paper it’s only a stage I cancer! Yay! But as she put it, there are “boring” stage I cancers, and “not so boring” stage I cancers… why would I have boring cancer?! Ugh…

So that brings us to this week – a week of ups and downs and lots of appointments. On the up side I weaned myself from the crazy pain killers and began to get my brain and cadence back. Definitely not completely myself yet, but getting there… sweet comment from my father “I kind of liked Jamie last week when she talked slowly and really had to think before she said anything…”.

Appointment number one was with the plastic surgeon – I had my drains removed… decidedly not a fun experience, but I got to go home and take a shower!!, and feel human again:)

Appointment number two was with my oncologist who introduced us to a couple incredibly valuable tools that brought sighs of relief all around. The first is a data base that the doc is able to plug your stats into and get a bar graph (based on data collected over many years from tens of thousands of women) showing your chances of dying from the cancer you have in the next 10 years. It sounds morbid, but wait… So with my data plugged in, walking away right now and not doing any more treatment I have an 81% survival rate… with hormone treatment for the next 5 years, it goes up to 88%, and with hormone treatment and chemotherapy (assuming I’d need it), it goes up to 93%. (btw, roughly 2% of the remaining 7% takes into account the chance of death by some other cause… leaving only a 5% chance – that’s good news, really!) The second resource is a relatively new test called Oncotype DX where they are able to analyze the DNA from a cancerous tumor and assess the risk of recurrence. Again, it is empirically based data gathered over time and is graphable and pretty cut and dry. (being a science geek of sorts, I like that) A score is returned to you and you fall within 3 categories – low, medium, or high risk. If a low risk score is returned studies have shown that chemotherapy is of no benefit (i.e. the risks are greater than the benefits)… so the hope is that a low score comes back and I can avoid chemo and keep my hair!!... however, if the score comes back medium or high risk the news is still not all bad – the recommendation would be 4 to 6 treatments of a “second generation” chemo (mid-level horribleness). I should know in 7 to 10 days.

Finally, today we met with my radiation oncologist, and radiation will be a definite part of my future (damn bad margins)… and will either be this summer or in the fall depending on the chemo outcome. The prediction is that being “young”, healthy and fit that I shouldn’t have complications or side effects to speak of.

Whew, I hope I didn’t put anyone to sleep with all of that… on a more personal note we are all hanging in there! I’ve had my melt downs and certainly miss my “old life”… but am also trying to see this down time as something positive, and know that an end is in sight and this will all be a (shitty) blip on the radar at some point in the not too distant future. Isis is holding up extraordinarily well, just brought home a glowing progress report in her last trimester before middle school, and is dancing and hanging out with friends with gusto. She’s also been very gentle with me and I think “gets” what is happening on a deeper level than probably any of us know. Mom and Papa are amazing, I wouldn’t be able to do this without them – and I know it is even harder for them at times than it is for me. We also have wonderful friends bringing food and transporting Isis and offering many other services that I am sure to take them up on as I transition back to my own house in the next couple weeks…

Thank you all for your positive energy, warm thoughts, love, prayers, ceremonies, phone calls, cards, care packages, visits… every bit has helped me remain positive and heal… I love you all!

Peace, love, and health…

xoxo

Jamie

The day my life changed: April 5, 2011...

...email sent Monday, April 18

Hello all,

Most of you have been in touch with either my mom or myself in this last almost 2 weeks (that have felt like an eternity) during which my life has changed in almost every way possible. I have not had the chance to talk to many of you, and even those who I have spoken to or have spoken with my mom may not know all that is going on at this point... so I wanted to just let everyone know where things stand, when things are happening, and where I am with it all.

So after finding a lump, going in for a mammogram and ultrasound, and being kept for biopsies, I was diagnosed two weeks ago tomorrow with breast cancer - invasive ductal carcinoma. They know it is invasive as it is growing outside the duct itself, but we do not know where or how far it has traveled, and will not find that out until post surgery. The cancer is in my right breast and currently my left breast looks 'clean', however I am opting for a double mastectomy as I'd prefer to only go through this all one time! At the time of surgery they will also remove a few lymph nodes (the sentinel nodes, or the first ones in the blood supply from the breast) to see if cancer has spread to them. Upon physical examination, Dr. Molin (my amazing breast doc) does not feel anything that causes alarm, so we are hoping with all of our might that it has not traveled to them.

I will go in for surgery early the morning of Monday, April 25. I go in at 6am and surgery is scheduled from about 8 to noon. Big fun. They will be doing stage one of reconstruction at the same time, which is part of what makes it such a long morning... I'm hoping to look something like Dolly Parton when this is all over;) I'll have a follow up appointment probably Friday of that week to go over pathology reports, and then meet with my oncologist May 4 to discuss what my long term treatment will look like.

I've had a bit of time up to now to process, learn, make decisions and begin the preparation and strengthening process I need as I enter surgery and recovery. I'm feeling strong, fearful, sad, incredibly supported and loved, frustrated, grateful, exhausted... you name it.
I've been working with a wonderful qi gong instructor I used to take classes from, an energy and lymph healer, and an acupuncturist along with my Western docs. I am also trying to eat heartily, think positively, and embrace this all in as positive a light as I can... fear, anger, and stress simply sap me of the energy I so desperately need to strengthen, balance and heal myself. Generally speaking I feel like I'm in a good place, in good hands, and doing exactly what I need to be to get through this with as much strength, grace, and poise as possible.

I am being surrounded by love and support from far and wide and feel it all pouring in daily - everyone at Catherine McAuley High School where I work is being amazing (faculty, admin, students, parents, friends... ), and our "dance family" who Isis and I spend so much of our time with are equally supportive... I am beyond grateful to have mom and papa here as they have already done so much and this "journey" has barely begun... and to my family and friends all over the world, I thank you for your emails, notes, calls, love, energy and prayers that are pouring in - they all mean so much and add to my strength moving forward. All of this along with our own strength and each other will get me and Isis through this crazy few months we have ahead.

Isis is doing ok - she's internalizing most of what she's feeling right now , but was able to express last night that she really doesn't understand what's going on yet. I think April 25th when I go in for / come out of surgery, it will all become very real to her. She also has an amazing support system consisting of her teachers at school, a few very close school friends, teachers, friends, and parents at dance, the plethora of McAuley students who have offered to babysit this summer who all adore her, all of you who are sending her love and cards and emails, and of course my parents down the street who would do anything for her!

Back to some logistics...
The night after surgery I'll be at the hospital (Mercy Fore River Campus in Portland), and as long as pain is under control (which it should be considering the insane amount of narcotics and muscle relaxants that will be flowing through my blood... ) I'll go "home" the 26th. Isis and I will be living at my parents' house for at least 2 weeks at that point.

I will certainly keep everyone posted as I find things out. I may start some sort of blog for updates... in which case I will let people know. Please feel free to forward this along to people not on the list above - no intention of excluding people, piecing together an all inclusive list is a daunting task.

There are not words to thank you all enough for the love and support you are sending... I know we'll all get through this... and everyone says you come out the other side stronger and wiser and with a better sense of humor... I already thought I was pretty tough and smart and funny, but what do I know?!?

Love to you all!!
xoxox
Jamie