Written Saturday, October 1st!! :)

So here I am the day after my would-be chemo treatment… it’s day 22 post drip, the day I have not had the pleasure of experiencing since I started chemo in June!  Each day now I get to look forward to feeling better than the day before, and better than I have since before my surgery in April!!  I’m not sure I even have words to express how amazing that realization is!  I’m downright giddy! Lookout world!!

Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there was some anxiety mixed in with my happiness - there's something a little scary about being done with chemo; the thought of not going in and actively killing any possible lurking cells every three weeks... there is a bit of a feeling of walking away with my fingers crossed and a great need to trust – my body, the doctors, statistics, the universe.  Not to mention not having chemo in front of me to be preparing for and actively thinking about has meant I’ve had time to sort of sit back and look at the big picture again: I’m fighting breast cancer. It was invasive and aggressive and inside me.  It’s scary business. 

I’m feeling strong and positive though!  Indeed physically stronger than I have in months, and I’m doing my work emotionally and spiritually as well.  Trust is huge, continuing to feel the unending and awe-inspiring love and support of others is huge, slowly navigating my re-entrance into “real life” is huge… I feel a bit like I’ve been living in a cave or on another planet for the last 6 months, so everything’s just a bit foreign seeming. 

Radiation starts next week… I’m a bit nervous even though everyone assures me it’s nothing compared to chemo.  The word on the street is that it might wipe me out, this effect is cumulative, but being young and active should make it easier in general.  We’ll see.

Our big non cancer treatment news is that we’ve acquired a goldendoodle “puppy”!:)  Griffin is 18 months old, well trained by his previous owner, rather large but super cute, and gets us out walking and laughing and throwing the ball for hours a day… he’s full of love and is great at bringing happy energy to his surroundings!:)

Peace and love...

Chemo Number Six: The Final Round... all great things must come to an end;) [and somehow I've managed to keep my sense of humor through it all!?... well, most of it:)]

Hello all! A quick update as I head to bed on the night before my last chemo treatment.  Woohoo!! :) There were many times along this path that I didn't think this day would ever get here - I am happy that it is upon me, though still dreading the few cruddy days to follow, and honestly a little scared as it feels like now we just walk away keeping our fingers crossed that it worked!?  But a week from today I'll be celebrating the true end of the chemo train, hopefully having been 'spat out ' for the last time and feeling confident!:)  Round five was more tolerable than rounds three and four which I'm attributing to the fact that we dropped to 80% of the initial dose.  (A statistically sound decrease as I'm still completing six rounds averaging more than 85% of the suggested dose, thus satisfying both me and my oncologist)  I'm assuming we'll do this again tomorrow, so I'm hopeful that this one won't be too awful! Strength, perseverance, and a couple more weeks of more medication daily than I've probably taken in the first 38 years of my life combined, and it will be behind me... whew!!:)

Life has been busy these last couple weeks with school years and dance season starting; a nice distraction and a source of fatigue both.  We have made it to the lake a couple times though, where nature and the ability to just relax have replenished some energy stores:) I will only be teaching part time for the first couple months this year, allowing me to balance 'real life' and getting the rest I need as I focus on recovery from chemo and then radiation treatments (not to mention surgery and the ongoing stress that comes with the diagnosis of breast cancer).  This was one of the more difficult decisions I've had to make, and really brought to light just how life changing this has all been... but I know it is what I need to do right now and in the end will allow me to gain that energy back that I so sorely miss.  Isis, on the other hand, is a full time middle schooler (crazy!) and dancer extraordinaire, busier than ever.  Maybe I'll see if I can squeeze a nap in for her on occasion;)

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for the vast amount of love and support that is all around me - from endless prayers and thoughts of positive energy and healing, to amazing home cooked meals, to errands being run, to help with yard work and cleaning, to wonderful visits from far away, to cards and messages and gifts, to incredibly generous financial support, to amazing hugs, conversations and words of support, to people walking and running and 'tri-ing' to raise money for breast cancer research, to the many offers that I've not even been able to take people up on... and I'm guessing that can't possibly cover everything.  And of course infinite love and gratitude to Mom and Papa for taking care of us every step of the way on so many levels.  We will get through this!! xoxo
I humbly thank each of you with every ounce of my being... peace and love and health and happiness.

Preparing for chemo number five... the light at the end of the tunnel?

Wow, I have been quite slack in my updating of late... in fact it is not because I've fallen off the face of the earth (thankfully), but partly because this chemo business is starting to wear me down:( and partly because (on a more positive note) I've been distracted by dear friends and family coming to visit (from CO, FL, and the like!) with a few social events and some peaceful time at the lake thrown in between:) --- not to mention I'm having a terrible time multi-tasking of late (or even focusing on more than one thing a day it seems... ) which I'm blaming on the aptly named phenomenon "chemo brain".  This is something one reads about and thinks "pshaw... ", however when you begin to experience it for yourself you realize it's in fact no joke... at times it can be entertaining or a bit humorous, but when you actually want to be able to think through something with some sort of continuity, complete a task that requires a decent amount of thought, do more than one thing at a time, or sometimes even just function properly or remember what you are saying, it can be incredibly frustrating.  Just yesterday I found myself driving up the one way street at the end of my block... we've lived here for 6 years!?

Wait, what was I talking about? ;) kidding...

Whirlwind update:
Chemo number three was as expected... 4 days of feeling awful followed by 3 days of slowly entering the world again.  I am starting to feel some of the cumulative affects I think - more fatigue, longer recovery time after exercise... and unfortunately being half way done did not bring with it the excitement and elation I was hoping for, so that was a bit of a let down:(
Chemo number four brought with it a tougher time all around... more than the 4-5 days of expected grossness, harsher side effects, and I've felt pretty wiped out for the entire 3 weeks.  2/3 unfortunately did not end up being a much happier fraction than 1/2...
And now, ready or not, here I go in for number 5!
I am in a better space than I've been in for a while though (another reason I've probably avoided writing as it just doesn't appeal to share one's feelings with the masses when they are rather on the dark side).  I met with my oncologist last Friday and we discussed some of my trepidation... he would like to see me complete all 6 rounds, but feels decreasing the dose a bit may help with side effects without losing efficacy.  Decreasing the dose will also allow me to forgo the Neulasta shot, which may well remove a side effect or two.  This will require closer monitoring of blood counts, along with a higher level of avoidance of all germs (may not be fun)... but I am hoping it will give me a bit of respite from some of the less manageable discomfort.
So... as I head into round 5 my mantras revolve around trusting, nurturing and supporting my body, mind and spirit as much as I possibly can - while allowing the chemo to get in there and abolish any cancerous cells that may still be lurking.  Please send peaceful thoughts of healing light and energy moving through my body, my veins, my bones, my organs - and clearing them of toxic cells as I embark on these last two treatments!
...with so much love and gratitude to all <3
peace...
Jamie

I'm... too sexy for my hair

...too sexy for the catwalk

...too sexy for my hair, it's not fair.

Have you heard? All the cool people are wearing head scarves these days... even toddlers! and pets! :)
(my cool dad taking the picture was even sporting one... )

In fact, it's not nearly as bad being bald as I had anticipated... would I happily take my hair back in 3 seconds flat? Yes.  Do I hope my red curls come back en force when this is all over? Yes. But I will fully admit that it is WAY easier and less time consuming to not have to deal with hair.  I have not fully embraced the bare bald headed look... perhaps because I still have a thin smattering left - it's sort of the baby chick, or sprouty look (not to be confused with the sporty look... )  Not the most attractive... though we were all laughing heartily the other night as we envisioned me walking into hair salons asking what they might be able to do with what's left... some wispy bangs perhaps? or a stack in the back?  You have to admit it would make for some hilarious candid camera:) I also still on occasion as we head out of the house think "I should grab a hair band in case I want to put my hair up later... oh, wait, nevermind.", all too quickly realizing my folly and laughing at myself as I straighten my scarf.  It could be worse.

So chemo number two was two weeks ago (meaning only one week to go until the next one, ugh).
We had cousins from Florida visiting for this round, so my company in the 'chemo lounge' was made up of Papa, Sarah, and Natalie:) Aside from the pink rhinestone embellished cowbell, it was thankfully an uneventful few hours... and we rushed straight from Oncology to Isis' 5th grade graduation ceremony!:) Isis looked beautiful, and one of her sweet friends had made little pink ribbons for those in her class who knew about my cancer to wear during the festivities - it never ceases to amaze me how much love, support, and thoughtfulness surrounds us!  So my little girl is officially heading into middle school, eek... thank goodness this cancer business will be behind me as we head into the upcoming mayhem of pre-teen and teen-dom!!
My side effects were not as intense after chemo number two, but it all dragged out a bit longer this time.  The first few days were the worst, the whole first week was rough, and then I started emerging as a functional human being last weekend and actually felt pretty darn good this last week!  I am on a new drug (neulasta) for blood cell production, which definitely contributed to the 'fun' as it causes bone, joint, and muscle pain while stimulating your bone marrow to pump out those needed cells...  I suppose a decent trade for normal counts and no surprise infections.
So this week has felt almost normal!? :) Isis has been at a Musical Theatre day camp all week singing, dancing, acting, and making friends; I made it to both of my tai chi classes, met friends for lunch a couple days, and ran a few errands; summer dance started at Drouin and I taught Mon, Tues, and Wed evenings- enjoying every second of it:)... I am most certainly not at my optimal energy level (i.e. I tire pretty easily, need to rest during the day more than I'd like to, and probably am not talking as quickly;) ) - but compared to last week, I'll take it!
We are heading up to the camp for the long weekend with Mom, Papa, Garth, Liz and Oscar:)  Hoping to soak in some good nature therapy, laugh as much as possible, and relax... <3
Sunshine and joy filled days to all!!
peace....

Snip, snip, snip:) ...and all about white blood cells - ugh.

With my big hair out of the picture, my other prominent feature gets to be in the limelight... look out, Streisand;)

...my hair is mostly gone as I post, but the pixie cut my friend (and artist extradinaire!) Cathy gave me was super cute and I look forward to rockin' it again come spring hopefully! :)

Wow… it has been less than two weeks since I posted anything but it’s been choc full of eventfulness – this chemo business wipes you out, keeps you guessing, and is bigger and badder (for lack of better words) than I ever imagined.

Got my hair cut as planned June 3rd (a transition cut, so I didn't have to watch my red curls coming out of my head - also a chance to see what I'll look like with short hair when it starts growing back:)  )… the same day my white blood cell counts came back low, low, low.  As white blood cells are your defense against any sort of germ or bacteria that tries to attack, when you don’t have any your chances for getting sick are crazy high – so high that they advised me to “slow down and lay low”, wash my hands constantly, to not eat raw fruits or veggies as they can harbor bacteria… and the list goes on.

My version of slowing down and laying low was apparently not quite what they had in mind (imagine that), so by Tuesday I had picked up an undesirable guest of sorts that attacked my nonexistent immune system and, much to my dismay, quickly showed me who was boss… fever, antibiotics, stress, and ‘house arrest’ ensued… really not my idea of fun as I had been feeling SO much better up until that point and had a busy week/weekend of dance rehearsals and recital on the horizon… alas. 

After a couple rough days of not feeling so tough or strong or positive (I’m pretty sure there is a direct correlation between low white blood cells and feelings of doom, despair, and patheticness), I began to feel better and emerged having learned yet another lesson (silver lining?). You can not just push through and persevere when you have no white blood cells.  It doesn’t matter how robust your immune system was two weeks ago, how many medical abstracts and doctor's reports and online forums you've read to learn all about it, how careful you tell yourself you are being, or how important you think all those things you need to do are; when the counts drop you are just plain vulnerable, and no amount of positive thinking or toughing it out changes that.  This is a difficult one to assimilate (understatement) – in most facets of life (academics, athletics, learning something new...) if you work a little harder, push yourself, you can improve and prevail…”mind over matter”, right?... getting through chemo is therefore completely counterintuitive; you have to do less, at times virtually nothing, in order to get through it!? And you definitely cannot think or study your way out of the side effects (other than maybe being down in the dumps)... argh!

So, yes, the plan is to lay lower… though anyone who knows me even remotely realizes that this will neither be an easy feat nor foster good moods.  Sigh.  Thank goodness for family, friends, humor, music, and chocolate among the many other things getting me through this...

...a few words of inspiration keeping me going this week, from Brett Dennen…
"Sometimes my troubles get so thick
I can’t see how I’m gonna get through it
But then I would rather be – stuck up in a tree…
Than be tied to it."
 ~from There Is So Much More – beautiful song, look it up!

More soon… just wanted to post and get a few haircut photos up… it’s fleeing the scalp quickly and I’m well on my way to baldness… whew, every day is an adventure!

peace, love, gratitude, deep breaths ,and great joy to all! :)
xoxo

Thank you, sweet universe, for I have been spat out!!

Heading in... chemo number one!

It's not a pretty analogy, but unfortunately it is all too true.  The monster that is chemotherapy gnarled, chewed and ground its teeth into me for a good solid three days (growing longer and sharper varieties along the way just to mix things up)... thank goodness spitting me out yesterday to regroup and attempt to gather my wits.
The actual chemo on Friday wasn't so bad... accompanied by my mom and my dear friend Ginny I headed into oncology chin up and ready to face this head on.  Aside from the needles and a few 'reality tears' that leaked out as they started the drip, the three of us did quite a bit of laughing, gabbing, and eating of a delicious lunch that mom whipped up with love mid day.  The treatment room itself is an incredibly positive place all things considered (good, considering we were there for over four hours), and everything went smoothly... (i.e. I didn't have to ring the cowbell (not kidding! I'll take a picture next time.) labeled 'for emergencies only' on the table next to my chair).

[Quick chemo explanation in case you are unfamiliar (which I hope with all of my heart you are and always will be!!)... it is a systemic approach to killing cancer cells, so drugs (taxotere and cytoxan in my case) are administered through an IV directly into the bloodstream to assure that they have access to your entire being.  The chemo thus proceeds to attack rapidly dividing cells that it encounters - cells which include the aggressive cancer we want out (yay!), as well as hair, nails, skin, and the entire digestive tract from the mouth all the way through (not so fun...)]

So, Friday night I was wiped out but felt ok, and was still hopeful I'd escape round one with minimal side effects... Saturday, however, the carnival began and it was all sorts of crazy through Monday night... Tuesday a bit of relief and 'normalcy' (dare I use that word?), and here it is Wednesday - actually felt hungry when I woke up this morning, went to a qi gong group earlier today, ate a couple 'normal' meals (there's that word again;) ) and went to dance class tonight!:)
My blood counts should in theory go down in these next couple days, but I've got acupuncture, qi gong, a and determination on my side... trying to eat well and nourish too - many many thanks to those who have provided wonderful and tasty meals these past few days:) <3
in love and endless gratitude...
xoxo
Jamie
p.s.
Friday's the big day... hair cut party, good bye red curls:(
Bald is the new blonde, right?

Positive Energy Abounds!! :)

Keep it coming!:)  Chemo starts Friday and I'll be heading in every three weeks for six rounds... May 27, June 17, July 8 and 29 (bonus month!), August 19, and Sept 9.  I'm not excited about it, but I'm ready.  Yes, nervous with a touch of dread... but ready.

This week has been full of positive energy thus far, which I'm taking as a good omen:) The weekend included a delicious barbeque at some friends' house and McAuley's graduation ceremony (woohoo!); Isis' middle school (yeeks!) parent orientation was Monday night and I think it's going to be a smooth transition and a great year for her; yesterday afternoon I taught one of my favorite little dance classes (my 2nd week back!) at Drouin and then ventured out last night for a night of great live music and great people; today (in the ever elusive sun that decided to grace us with its presence:) yay!) I took a most wonderful soul-nourishing walk in the woods (nothing like a good dose of Mother Nature to lift your spirits! trees, moss, earth, the river, bird songs... joy:) ), and tonight went to my first dance class since before surgery (pointe no less) and felt strong and enjoyed every minute!:)  In essence I guess I feel like I am, albeit slowly and with great thought, caution, and awareness, reclaiming my life - which I've missed!!  Now if only I could get all those recently graduated McAuley seniors to come back to make up the couple weeks of physics I was out for... ;)

So I'm holding on to this positive trend with all of my might!... tomorrow I intend to balance productivity (oh, the never ending list... ) with much cultivation of strength, a bit of fun, and some hearty nurturing -- and I will walk into the oncologist's office Friday morning a warrior - in mind, body and spirit - prepared to gracefully begin the next phase of ushering this uninvited guest out of my body for good.

peace, love and gratitude...